a letter to an old friend

To an old friend,

I wrote this letter hundreds of times in my head only to eventually throw this idea out of the window. I was worried that this could make you hate me even more.
But..

"Maybe this decision was a mistake
You probably don't care what I have to say
Its been heavy on my mind for months now
Guess I'm tryna clear some mental space."

Its been awhile since I last heard your voice calling, saying out my name. I'm saying this only as somebody who was the closest human being by your side for a good number of years. Is it really fair that at some point of time you decided to hate me?

If you're reading this, I'm not wishing you'd call me. I'm not wishing anymore than your good health and happiness... its just... Again, i guess I'm just tryna clear some mental space. Somehow, i feel that if you saw me on the streets, you'd just pass me by and pretend to not know me at all.
The question is, why have we come to such a state? Did you have to try to hate me to get away, to the point of actually hating me?

This time around, I'm not reminiscing of memories, smiling alone of happier times, but its just that somehow along with all those years, you turned to my bestest friend.. and to just lose you, THE friend, in a matter of days, seemed disastrous.

"I just wonder, do you ever think of me.. anymore, do you?"

Sometimes i do wonder, do i ever cross your mind? Not anything more than just the personal state of being I'm in. I guess its one of the few thousand questions going through my head i have about you...

In case you're still reading this, I'm not here to tell you i miss you. Miss you like the sun misses the flower, the flowers in the depth of winter bullshit... But its more of I miss the person, the laughter, the eyes, and the smile of the friend they call Diy.

Yes its you. However knowing you, I have to stress, this is not about my romanticized attachment I had towards you. I buried it with all the years. Again, I guest I just needed to clear some mental space.

"I swear I'm not tryna start no trouble, tell you fiance he can relax."

There's no need to unleash your boyfriend on me. There's nothing he has to be afraid of. I'm not desperately trying to catch your attention wishing you'd call me this very second. Don't you think this is a much too foolish thing for someone to do, even for an exceptionally foolish person like me?

I'm gonna be angering a lot of people with this letter, having more questioning my intentions. But my intentions are as clear as the words I write here.

Time and again, I wish only for your good health and happiness. And I do hope you're in that state right now.

Till I see that forever warm smile and ever bright eyes on the streets, you take care, friend.

love,
Me.